MetallicGirl's Harry Potter One-Shot Collection!
by LadyClassical
Summary: All the HP one-shots I've ever written, oldest to newest. For genre I chose Friendship and Hurt/Comfort since those seem to come up the most often, although there is a family element as well. For characters, I also picked those who tend to crop up most frequently. For rating, all of them were rated T, so that was easy. Enjoy!
1. Tell Me About When I Was a Baby

It was around 3 a.m., August 31, 2004, and Sirius Black was fast asleep in a busy hospital waiting room, surrounded by Healers and anxious family members and friends. It had probably been about eight hours since they'd all been told that Ginny had gone into labor and they needed to meet her and Harry at St. Mungo's. Mrs. Weasley and Harry were in the delivery room with her, and everybody else waited outside. They already knew the baby was going to be a boy, and Sirius knew the baby's middle name would be his.

Since he was a pretty heavy sleeper, not even the sound of the baby crying woke him up as it should have. Instead he woke up to someone shaking him—the father of the baby himself, Harry James Potter.

"Come on, Sirius," he was saying, as everything came into focus. "Don't you want to come meet him now?"

"Whuh?" Sirius finally started awake, and Harry (not without some difficulty) pulled him to his feet.

"The _baby_ ," said Harry. " _James_."

The two of them went into the delivery room, where Ginny, Mrs. Weasley, and the Healer were waiting. Ginny had a little bundle, presumably the baby, in her arms, wrapped in a white blanket with a blue hat on his head. Sticking out from under his hat Sirius noticed untidy black hair, which had apparently been passed down three generations now. One of the baby's tiny pink hands was clinging to Ginny's hospital gown. The baby was still crying, but Ginny was rocking him back and forth, and once she kissed him on the head.

Harry took the baby out of Ginny's arms and into his own. Slowly the crying subsided. Now he was staring with wide, curious eyes. Sirius noticed the baby had the hazel eyes of James Potter Sr., and that reminded him of the gift he'd bought in Diagon Alley a couple months ago.

"I bought him a gift," said Sirius, pulling it out of his pocket. In his hand he held what looked like an oversized golden Snitch.

"What's that?" Harry asked.

"It's a Junior Snitch," Sirius told him, grinning. "Watch…"

Sirius set the Junior Snitch in front of Baby James. It flew this way and that, but never left the infant's general vicinity. Of course, he had the motor skills of a potato at this age, but when Baby James saw his new toy, his eyes lit up. As soon as the Junior Snitch got close, he would reach out for it, it'd dart away, over and over, as he screamed with laughter.

"It's bewitched to stay close to him, the same way a normal Snitch is bewitched to never leave the Quidditch pitch," Sirius explained as they watched. "And when he gets old enough to be able to catch it, it'll light up and play music. When I saw it, I knew it was perfect."

"You give the best gifts, Sirius," said Harry, of course remembering the 1993 Firebolt and the knife that would open any door. "Do you want to hold him?"

"Um, well, I…if you want me to." Sirius was a little surprised by this preposition, but he took Baby James into his arms, while Harry held onto the Junior Snitch. And he couldn't help but remember, twenty-four years and one month ago, wearing a younger man's clothes, he'd been holding a baby too, one who looked very similar…

"All right, Sirius?" said Ginny.

"It's just…he looks so much like you did, Harry, besides the eyes, anyway," Sirius told him. "When I held you for the first time, I mean."

"You still remember that?" Harry asked.

"Well, it was only twenty-four years ago, you know," said Sirius, reminiscing. "It's clear like it was yesterday. I remember you took almost twelve hours, but firsts are hardly ever speedy, you know…Moony and Wormtail and I were waiting in the waiting area for what seemed like the longest time…then I realized at the last minute I'd forgotten to buy a gift, so I ran up to the fifth-floor gift shop and bought a onesie that said 'Daddy's Little Seeker'…"

Much to his shock, Sirius noticed what felt like a tear in the corner of his eye, but he wiped it away before anyone saw (hopefully). "So by the time I got back, you were already born, and your mother had you in her arms, and I'd never seen anyone look happier than your parents did at that moment. I'd never even held a baby before, but James let me hold you first, and that's when he told me I was going to be the godfather."

"So he saved it until then?" said Harry. "Did he want it to be a surprise?"

"I guess so," Sirius told him, and at the new parents' expectant looks, he continued with his story. Unfortunately, he found himself beginning to get a bit choked up. "And then…I remember…you stopped crying soon, and fell asleep…and I held you against my shoulder—you were no bigger than a minute—and James just walked over and said, 'Guess mischief is managed forever, huh?' and Lily laughed, James pulled me into a hug, and I said, 'Congratulations, Prongs…'" Sirius realized he was holding Baby James the same way, up against his shoulder. "And you made this little fussing noise in your sleep, and I held you out so we three could look at you one more time, and you know you're just the picture of your father, and I said…I-I said…"

"What'd you say, Sirius?" Ginny's voice was hardly over a whisper. That was when Sirius noticed that both of them were staring at him, and he had tears running down his own face. It was so hard to get the rest of the sentence out; it felt like his throat had closed up, the way it does when one has an allergic reaction.

"I-I said…I said, 'You're James Potter's son, all right.'" Sirius paused and swallowed. "I know you and your parents didn't have each other for very long, Harry, but they loved you so much. I remember James and I watching a Quidditch game while Lily rocked you to sleep in her arms, singing this little song…I remember when I first fed you a bottle and you spat up all over me…When you were about a year old the three of us were on the rug watching you try to crawl, and we started screaming like idiots when you did…And I'd hold you in my lap while your father used his wand to make sock puppets move on their own, you always loved that…and your first word, it was 'kaffel'…" Sirius sniffed, then laughed.

"I'm sure I meant 'Quaffle'," said Harry, who was laughing too.

"Well, that's what James insisted upon, and he couldn't have been prouder." Sirius was smiling through teary eyes as he held James Potter Jr. "Just like your parents, I was looking forward so much to watching you grow up. No thanks to a certain traitorous waste of life, I couldn't." (Sirius might have used a nastier term to describe his ex-friend, but there were young ears in the room.) "It was great to meet up again later, though. I could only hope I was a good godfather."

"Sure you were. You were the closest thing to a father I had."

With Baby James in one arm, Sirius hugged Harry with the other and said quietly, "That…that means so much to me."

Said Harry, "I figured it would."

-the end-


	2. The Marauders vs the Purity Test

"Christmas is coming up soon," James Potter commented, spreading out on his four-poster. It was Friday evening, December 14, 1975. He was still wearing his uniform white button-down, but had swapped the slacks for pajama pants, and the red-and-gold tie had been thrown haphazardly over the side of the bed. "Good, because I'm exhausted. The teachers won't stop blabbing at us about O.W.L.s."

"When does the train leave?" Peter asked.

"Sunday night," James told him. "Too bad we won't be able to have Full Moon together this month, eh, Moony?"

Remus let out a loud groan of trepidation. The full moon was only in four days. Even though, as always, he'd been allowed to skip his 7 and 8 am classes this week, he still felt awful. He enjoyed the night of the full moon, when his friends could transform into animals and they could traipse around Hogwarts and Hogsmeade together, but the fact that they were all three Animagi now didn't change the fact that his physical well-being fluctuated irritatingly as a result of the lunar cycle, often leaving him to feel very off-color—it was like fucking clockwork.

Sure, it was better with his friends in on the reason why—they'd spend their own money on treats for him at Honeydukes, they'd get his ibuprofen if he wanted it, they wouldn't be bewildered and lost when their normally sweet-tempered friend might be a bit short with them, they'd be quiet if he wanted sleep. But they were still normal humans, who could only help so much.

"Want your Advil?" James pointed to the many bottles of pain medication on Remus's nightstand.

"No, just a chocolate frog. Well…give me three, actually."

"You've finished off your chocolate supply."

"Perhaps they have some at the school bookstore…"

"Moony, it's almost midnight!"

"So what?!"

"So they're _closed_." James gestured to his watch pointedly. Remus made a sound like a wounded animal and put his head under the covers.

James may have been about to say something more, but that was when Sirius stepped out of the bathroom, wearing boxer shorts and his silk red-and-gold Gryffindor bathrobe, looking smug, like he knew something they didn't. James sat up slightly; when he looked closer, he saw that his friend was holding a long piece of parchment.

"What's that?" James asked.

"What's _this_?" Sirius pretended to look shocked. "Prongs, you should know better…"

"Well, I don't—what have you got?"

"It's a little quiz we can do. I nicked it from some seventh-years," Sirius said mysteriously, and lit his wand under his chin. "But you must swear by the bonds of brotherhood that you shall not lie."

"We swear," the other three promised.

"All right, gentlemen," Sirius said importantly. "James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, are you ready for the Purity Test?"

"The _Purity_ Test?" James was looking intrigued now.

"It's to test how pure you are, as the name implies," said Sirius. "Question one: Have you ever had a date?"

"No," said Peter.

"Well…not really," said James. "But, you know, I could if I _wanted_ to."

"If it counts that I took Evelyn Marsh to prom a couple years ago, then yes." Remus dared peek his head out from under the covers. Of course, his date with Evvy hadn't been fun, seeing as he'd turned into a werewolf, but it still counted as a date, right?

"Good," said Sirius. "And as you all know, my powers have never failed me. Question two: Have you ever kissed or been kissed by an MOS? And no, your mom doesn't count."

"What does MOS mean?" Peter asked.

"It means a girl," said Sirius. "My answer is yes."

"I haven't," James told him, and Peter shook his head, but Remus raised one hand.

"Evvy gave me a little kiss on the cheek right before the '73-'74 school year ended," he said timidly. "Does that count?"

"Well, it doesn't say exactly where she has to kiss you, so yeah, I guess that counts." Sirius consulted his parchment. "Question three: Have you ever engaged in sexual activity on the first date?"

"How would you define 'sexual activity'?" James asked.

"Holding hands," said Peter.

"Kissing," said Remus.

"Sexual intercourse," said Sirius, and paused. "Hmm. Nobody?"

"Of course we—haven't…" Remus was looking suspiciously at Sirius, who was barreling on with the quiz.

"Question number four!" Sirius grinned. "Have you ever seen an MOS naked?"

"In person?" said James, and he and Sirius broke out into laughter.

"I don't suppose you got your hands on pornography, Prongs," said Remus, wishing he had a chocolate frog he could shove into his mouth to distract him from his embarrassment.

"You can find it in any Muggle library," James told them. "It's called 'National Geographic', baby."

The boys positively howled.

" _Et tu_ , Padfoot?" James asked, wiping a tear of laughter from his eye and cleaning his glasses on his shirt.

"I've been dating Lucy Marsh for a year and a half now, Prongs," Sirius said. "What do you think we do together? Study for O.W.L.s?"

"Well, I should think you'd talk and get to know each other better," said Remus.

"Who's to say we don't, Moony?" Sirius smiled. "That's what dates are for. Anyway…have you ever massaged or been massaged by an MOS?"

"How is massage impure?" said Remus. "It'd feel great on my shoulder."

"Well, he means massage with ulterior motives," James explained. "Do you honestly think a guy's going to massage a girl because her _shoulder_ hurts?"

"I have a feeling there's no right answer to that question," Remus replied, but he realized they just couldn't see it from his point of view. Pain was probably the worst symptom he got in the week preceding the full moon, among others, and massages were a great relief to him. But to his friends, they were a joke.

Sirius snorted with laughter at the next one. "Have you ever…"

"Have I ever what?" said James, straining to look at the parchment.

"Have you ever touched a girl's breasts?"

James just laughed, while the other two screamed that they hadn't, but the Marauders already knew, of course, that Sirius had gotten to second base with Lucy the night he took her to prom in 1974.

"What's next?" Remus blurted out in spite of himself. Although he would never admit it, he was having a bit of fun with this now. It was a good distraction, at the very least, especially since he was running out of unhealthy food to shove into his mouth.

Sirius shrugged. "Let's see…have you ever showered with an MOS?"

" _Showered_?" Remus said incredulously. "Like you soap each other down?"

"No, you have sexual intercourse in there," Sirius told him, like it was obvious.

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"I think you'll be all right, Moony," said James, but he was smiling.

"Next question: have you ever had oral sex? Like a blow job?"

"No," said the other three in turn, but when Sirius just kept smirking, James asked, "You did, mate? When?"

"Like I said, some of my times with Lucy were times of great discovery," Sirius told him. "But to be honest, the blow job I got wasn't that professional."

"Would you rather have a professional do it?" said James, and this brought on yet another round of laughter. "I mean, I know you come from money, but…"

"Have you ever simulated sex with an inanimate object?" Sirius continued.

"With a _what_?" Remus was beginning to find this quiz unbelievable, but knowing his friends…

"You know, like a bagel." James had his hands in his mouth to keep himself from laughing. "Or a banana or something if you're a girl, I guess."

This time all four of them laughed; Sirius laughed so hard he dropped the parchment.

"All right, next question! Have you ever engaged in bondage?"

"Bondage?" Remus asked.

"You know, Moony, you just grab Evvy and tie her to the bed with her Hufflepuff tie, then you start making out."

"No!" Remus yelled. "I don't think Evvy would like that."

"Here's one for you, Moony. Have you ever used chocolate sauce for something other than eating?"

"B-But…" Remus looked mortified, and the other three all laughed. "I wouldn't do that!"

"You all ready for the next question?" Sirius dropped his voice to a mysterious whisper. "Have you ever had sexual intercourse?"

"No…"

"Nope."

"Mm-mm."

"Yep."

Remus, who had been sipping a glass of water, spit it out and started choking; Peter, looking panicked, started pounding him on his back.

"DON'T TOUCH MY BACK!" Remus screamed at him. "I'm in enough pain right now without people _hitting_ me!"

"S-Sorry," Peter said meekly, drawing away.

"Well, I'm sorry to have shocked you, my dear Moony." Sirius raised his eyebrows. "But seeing as Lucy is a seventh year, and also my girlfriend…"

" _Lucy let the Quaffle in_ , _Lucy let the Quaffle in_ …" James started taunting in a singsong voice.

"If everything has to be Quidditch-related to you," said Sirius.

The other three Marauders were pretty shocked, though—here was one of their number who had actually Done It. Suddenly, Sirius seemed a lot older. Not to mention Lucy really was older—Sirius was sixteen, but Lucy would be eighteen one month from now.

"Where was it?" James asked.

"Whenwas it?" Remus added. (Of course, what both of them meant was, " _How_ was it?")

"Last year, right before summer vacation," Sirius told them. "We did it in the Shrieking Shack. Right on the bed."

"Sirius!" Remus cried. "How _could_ you?!"

"I'm just kidding, Moony." Sirius grinned. "We really opened up the Room of Requirement."

"Seriously?" said James. "It opens for stuff like _that_?"

"Apparently it does," Sirius told him. "And since it's the Room of Requirement, it has everything you need. Like it had a bed, and there was soft music playing, and there were scented candles, and a big old box of condoms sitting on the bed…ribbed for her pleasure."

James snorted with laughter, and Remus did a sort of muffled scream into his pillow.

"So we got down to our underwear and sat on the bed. I don't know what we were planning on doing at that point, but she noticed that I was a bit, um, enthusiastic. So she just gave me this flirty smile, I started to unhook her bra and she didn't stop me…Finally we'd undressed each other completely, and I kind of knocked her down onto the bed and straddled her. She was just all spread out on the bed, that beautiful long blue hair flowing everywhere…I remember it smelled kind of like coconuts…"

"Many of a woman's pheromones are released through her head," said Remus, although he wasn't quite sure why he said it.

"You know, you can be really strange sometimes," said Sirius. "She's not a dog in heat."

"Funny you should put it that way, _Padfoot_ …"

"Har-har."

"Those ribbed condoms," James interjected. "Did they work?"

"Well, you'll notice I'm not a father, so I'd say so."

"I mean, did they work for her _pleasure_?"

"She seemed like she enjoyed it," Sirius said lightly. "But I'll answer the question I know you all are wondering—yes, _I_ enjoyed it too."

"Oh, Padfoot, how was it?" Remus stretched out his right arm and wriggled it to help get rid of his monthly shoulder cramps.

"It's the greatest place to be on Earth." Sirius sighed; he still felt a jumping sensation in his stomach when he remembered his first time with Lucy. "I just—she was all, 'Oh my God, I'm having sex with Sirius Black', and I was all, 'Oh my God, I'm having sex with Lucy Marsh', and she laughed…and when she laughed I could feel…well, I believe I've told you about her being gifted in certain upper-level areas."

"Are you saying—oh, good _Lord_ is that hot," moaned James, staring longingly up at the ceiling.

"I was on my knees on the bed, she put her ankles on my shoulders—"

"How was she able to do that?" Remus demanded.

"Girls are just more flexible," Sirius replied. "So anyway, I went in…Lucy gave this little gasp, I asked her if I'd hurt her, she said no, it was just her first time too, and…and it feels great to be in there. Just kind of…warm and tight—wet, too. In a good way. We were making out, French-kissing, that is, I had one hand in her hair and the other on her breasts…she has very soft skin, mind you…and she was making these loud moaning noises in between the kissing, so I guess those condoms did work…"

"Jesus! How long until you—" James, like all the others, was listening with rapt attention.

"Well, I didn't _time_ it, Prongs," Sirius told him. "But like I said, it felt very good—like nothing I'd ever felt before—and it was my first time…I don't know, a little over five minutes, I suppose? And oh _man_ …you've never felt anything until you've felt that. I got real tired…I put back on my Gryffindor boxers, I jokingly dressed her in my uniform shirt, she curled up in my arms and we fell asleep. We were both so happy when we woke up."

"That's...that's pretty romantic, Padfoot," Remus admitted.

"Which brings me to the next part of the quiz." Sirius tossed the piece of parchment to James. "C'mon, you finish it up."

"These are the sex questions."

"Right."

"Okay then…" James adjusted his glasses. "Have you had sex outdoors?"

"Yeah, we did it by the lake once."

"Have you done it using a condom? Oh, well, we know the answer to that one already…Have you done it at the MOS's parents' house?"

"I can't say I have," said Sirius.

"Erm…have you ever done it during menstruation?"

Peter finally raised his hand. "B-But we don't—"

" _Hers_ , you idiot," said Sirius. "And, no. That's called blow job week."

"Have you ever done it in a public place such as a school, museum, or place of employment?"

"Hogwarts is a school, isn't it?" Sirius was grinning. "So, yes."

"Jeez, where are they _getting_ this stuff?" James looked incredulously at the long list. "Have you ever done it on the floor?"

"Nope."

"Bled from biting or scratching during sex?"

"No…"

"Somehow, I don't think I'll ever be doing that one, either," Remus added.

"Had a three-way?"

"Nope!" Sirius straightened up. "And I believe that's the end of the quiz."

"Really? Who won?" Remus would have scrambled for the quiz himself, but he didn't feel strong enough to get out of bed unless he had to. So he let James read it instead.

" _Scoring: This quiz is not meant to be scored_. _Instead, it is a measure of how honest you have been with your closest friends, and how much you have bonded. If you have lied, this piece of parchment has been bewitched to bite you, so watch out_."

"Hey, it's not biting any of us!" Remus smiled. "That means we bonded, I think."

"And we learned a few things," James said, nudging Sirius. "Although you might know that I am saving myself for a very special girl named Lily Evans."

"You'll get more action in a monastery with that attitude," said Sirius, rolling his eyes, and everyone laughed.

-the end-


	3. The Problem With Perseus Black

Ever since the day Sirius and his wife, Lucy, had brought baby Perseus back to the flat they shared with Harry Potter, Harry's life had changed dramatically—and not in a good way. At first, he had been fine with bringing his godson home. But now…

Could Harry really deny it that Perseus was just a brat? After all, he spent his entire existence screaming, and his cries sounded like a siren. But then all he had to do was smile his beautiful smile and Sirius and Lucy would love him all over again. Perseus was only a few days old, but Harry didn't think Sirius had taken a shower since the day they brought Perseus home from the hospital, and as for Lucy, well, she had just about lost her mind, at least in Harry's opinion.

Harry had managed to get three or four hours of sleep last night, but he was awakened by Perseus crying again. When he made his way to the kitchenette for breakfast, wading through the enormous amount of baby toys on the floor, remembering the baby gate, he found Sirius slumped over on the table, half-eaten toast in his mouth, and Lucy trying to console Perseus, but…

"Lucy, you're wearing Sirius's robes," Harry pointed out helpfully, but she gave him an "I-will-end-you" sort of look, and Sirius put his hands over his head like he was preparing for nuclear war.

"I KNOW that," she hissed.

"But why?" asked Harry, not noticing Sirius's frantic gesturing.

"BECAUSE I DON'T _FIT_ INTO MINE!" she screeched, and Perseus screeched too.

"Okay, you don't have to bite my head off!" Harry told her, and jerked open the refrigerator door. There wasn't much to eat in there, especially in terms of breakfast food. "Okay, who was supposed to go to the store last weekend?"

"Lucy was," said Sirius, "but you see, she kind of gave birth last weekend, in case you forgot."

"Oh, well God forbid anyone forget Perseus," Harry said angrily, grabbing another slice of bread out of the package.

"Eat some breakfast, Lucy dear." Sirius yawned as he took the colicky baby out of his wife's arms. "I'll go to the nursery and try to get him to sleep."

Lucy and Harry sat and ate their breakfast toast while they heard Perseus screaming in the nursery down the hall, and Sirius trying hard to calm him down.

"What are you looking at?" Lucy demanded.

"Nothing," Harry said truthfully.

"This is whole wheat toast, right?" Lucy looked at her bread. "Oh yeah…it is. Do you think it's okay to eat carbs if they're whole wheat carbs?"

"I think you should stop obsessing over it," said Harry. "Isn't there a difference between a bit of baby weight and full-blown fat?"

"Maybe," said Lucy. "I just thought all this would be over once the baby was here."

"What's 'all this'?"

"Pregnant stuff, hormones and all that…" Lucy shrugged. "I thought Evvy explained it all to you."

"She did, in great detail, and I do NOT need any more sex ed lessons from her," Harry said harshly.

"Well, her life's work is to deliver babies," Lucy pointed out. "She would know what she's talking about."

Harry shrugged, and the two of them ate their toast in silence.

Sirius walked back into the room not long after that, looking relieved but tired. "Well, Perseus is sleeping now. I suppose he'll wake up in an hour or so, but for now we're good. What'd I miss?"

"Lucy wants to know if she should eat whole wheat carbs," said Harry.

"What on Earth is a whole wheat carb?" said Sirius.

"Exactly." Harry nodded. "Also, she wanted to know why she's still…hormonal, I guess."

Sirius ran his hand through his hair, the way he always did when he was agitated about something. "I suppose you're just stressed, Lucy dear."

"I'm just worried…" Lucy's deep blue eyes were threatening to spill over with tears. "I'm worried that I'll be a bad mother. What if Perseus turns out to be a horrible person, and…and it's all because of _me?"_

"Well, look who _I_ lived with for all those years, and I turned out okay, didn't I?" Harry reminded her.

"That doesn't excuse their behavior, but Harry has a point." Sirius frowned. "I grew up with relatives who hated me, too—and I think I turned out all right."

"I just worry sometimes that maybe I won't be able to do this." Lucy sniffed.

"Listen, I think you're a great mother, and I don't know what I'd do without you," said Sirius, pulling Lucy into a hug. "Perseus loves you very much, and I know he loves you."

"I love him too," Lucy said tearfully.

"We both love him," Sirius said soothingly. "With all of our hearts."

"Want to go check on him?" Lucy looked tentative.

"Of course," said Sirius, helping her up, and they headed down the hallway to the nursery, not taking one backwards glance at Harry, who slowly got up from the table to rinse his plate at the sink, staring out the window of the London flat he lived in, along with Sirius, Lucy, and now stupid Perseus. Maybe he could share the flat with his new baby godson, but could he share Sirius, too?

…

The rest of the day was basically the same as the past few days had been. Lucy and Sirius spent all their time tending to Perseus while Harry stayed in his room, feeling like a piece of furniture. This evening, he'd been trying to do his homework, but Perseus had distracted him, and he was lying on his bed with pillows over his ears.

 _That's it,_ Harry thought, as the screams hit a combination of high-frequency and high-decibel that surely only Perseus could have hoped to achieve. _Tomorrow morning I'm setting off to the Burrow. They won't even miss me here, anyway._

Harry felt his insides burning with hunger, especially when he smelled meatloaf coming from the kitchen. Sirius had mentioned that Lucy couldn't cook, and during her pregnancy and before, they usually ordered takeout. But since Lucy was on her diet, she tried to eat home-cooked meals more often. Surely she couldn't go wrong with simple meatloaf. Besides, Perseus had quieted again for the moment, and Harry hadn't left his room all day, hoping Sirius would knock on his door and tell him to come out, but he hadn't. It was probably worth it to go to the kitchenette.

By the time he made it to the flat's miniature drawing room, Harry was steaming again. Sirius and Lucy were talking and laughing in the kitchen about Perseus.

"Oh, he's just gorgeous," Lucy was heard saying. "Sirius—he's going to be as handsome as you one day, you know that?"

"But he's got your beautiful eyes, Lucy dear, just like I hoped."

"What a little angel," Lucy cooed.

Perseus was anything BUT a little angel! Sirius and Lucy were blind to what a handful he was, and how they had seemingly forgotten about Harry, who they'd adopted. _Why did Sirius bother to adopt me if he was just going to focus on his own stupid baby? Isn't there room here for both of us? I guess not. Well, tomorrow I'm leaving, and they won't notice a thing_ —

"OW!" Harry let out an awful expletive as he realized he had stubbed his toe painfully on one of Perseus's baby toys, which were always scattered everywhere.

"Harry!" Lucy reprimanded him from the kitchenette, where the smell of meatloaf had turned a bit burn-like. "There are young ears here!"

"Well, maybe he shouldn't have so many freaking toys!" Harry complained as he entered the kitchenette. The burning smell became more prominent.

"Where've you been, Harry?" asked Sirius, who was feeding a bottle to Perseus while Lucy boiled vegetables.

"Who cares?" said Harry. "But I think someone should take that meatloaf out of the oven."

Lucy left the vegetables on the stove for a minute to open the oven. Unfortunately, what she got was a cloud of black smoke. Harry and Sirius coughed, and Lucy's lip quivered.

"I-I burnt the meat loaf!" Lucy looked thoroughly disappointed in herself.

"Shall I—shall I order takeout?" Sirius asked tentatively.

"I can't get takeout, I'm on a _diet!"_ Lucy burst into tears. "Gosh, Sirius, you are so _stupid_ sometimes!"

Startled by the sound of Lucy crying, Perseus swatted the bottle out of Sirius's hand and started screaming too. Sirius seemed like he did not know who to comfort first, and he looked at Harry helplessly.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME, IT'S _YOUR_ STUPID FAMILY!" Harry hollered, storming out of the kitchenette, down the hall, into his room where he slammed the door so hard he heard a chunk of plaster break off in the wall. Furiously, he opened his trunk and began throwing things into it at random. First light he would fly to the Burrow and he would not look back. At least there were no screaming babies at Ron's house.

By about nine in the evening, things had seemed to die down in the drawing room and kitchenette. Harry dared to venture from his room and see what was going on. Sirius and Lucy were sitting on the couch while Lucy held Perseus in her arms. They were both laughing. It seemed they had made up, but had they forgotten their adopted son?

Harry stayed up, hoping Sirius would come in and give them a chance to make up, too. But he didn't. They put Perseus to bed, then went to bed themselves, with Perseus screaming on and off. Sirius had to feed him a bottle, then Lucy had to change his diaper. It wasn't long before he was screaming again. Harry got up out of bed and crossed to the bathroom, hoping to find some cotton balls to stick in his ears. Halfway across the hall, though, the door to Sirius and Lucy's room opened.

"Hello, Harry," said Sirius. "What are you doing up?"

"Well, Perseus isn't exactly quiet," Harry muttered.

"Yes, I was just on my way to the nursery now, I expect he wants his father…" Sirius sighed and shut his eyes, gripping onto the doorknob, struggling to keep himself upright.

"Hmm…when was the last time you slept, anyway?" asked Harry.

Sirius shrugged passively. Harry noticed he looked worse than he ever had since they had first been reunited, just as bad as after he'd broken out of Azkaban. True, his hair was shorter, but it was almost as tangled, and the life seemed to have almost left his face. Indeed, he looked dead on his feet.

Suddenly Harry was filled with guilt. This was the man who had helped look after him as a baby, and helped him once he was a teenager too. In fourth year, until he got legally pardoned, he had been living in a cave and eating rats. When had there _really_ been a time when Sirius hadn't been there for Harry? If he was doing it now, did he even realize it? Did he really mean it?

 _How can I even have considered going to Ron's? Sirius needs my help_.

"Listen, Sirius, how about…how about I take this one?" Harry asked uncomfortably. "You can go back to bed. I bet I can get him to stop crying."

"Are—are you sure?" Sirius looked shocked.

"Think of it as a thank-you for all those times you babysat me," Harry replied.

Sirius smiled, squeezed Harry's shoulder, and reentered the bedroom. Harry, feeling nervous, crept down the hall to the nursery, where Perseus was screaming in his cot.

"Perseus?" Harry asked quietly. After a pause, he lifted the baby up, trying to remember the way he'd held him a few days ago, when he was in the hospital. Harry sat down in the rosewood rocking chair that used to belong to Lucy's parents, taking Perseus with him.

What could be the problem? Perseus had been fed, and he didn't need a diaper change. Usually he cried in the middle of the night, but why?

"Why are you crying, Perseus?" asked Harry, but then a thought hit him. "Are you…are you just lonely?"

Perseus was still wailing, face red, tears streaming down his face.

"I know what it feels like to be lonely," Harry continued, holding the baby against his shoulder. "But you know, Perseus—you've got a mommy and daddy who love you a whole lot. Just because they went away for a little bit doesn't mean they're gone forever."

Harry found himself getting tired, and even though he wanted to go back to bed, he knew he couldn't until Perseus fell back to sleep. This must be how Sirius and Lucy felt every night…no wonder they seemed to be going mental. Harry was tired of talking, so he just started rocking Perseus, patting his back every so often, and although he didn't know where it came from, he started humming a little tune, smoothing the baby's thick, black hair. The rocking chair was making him sleepy as he kept humming the song, a little more confidently now, until he noticed Perseus had stopped crying.

Looking down out of his aching eye sockets, Harry watched the warm little baby in fuzzy yellow pajamas sleeping peacefully on his chest. The tears were drying on his face now, and his whole body moved as he breathed in and out. Looking closely at Perseus, his lineage was clear—the fair skin, lustrous black hair and perfectly arranged features left no doubt that he was a Black. When he was sleeping, he did look like an angel, at least a little. Most people, when they saw him, agreed that he was gorgeous.

Harry finally stopped humming the song when he saw that Perseus was asleep; he leaned his head on his chest to sleep a little bit too, but he was awakened when he heard someone speaking:

"Good to see you two are finally getting along."

Startled, Harry looked up and noticed Sirius standing at the entrance to the nursery, leaning on the doorframe, looking tired as anything but mightily pleased.

"Oh…hi, Sirius." Harry looked down at Perseus. "I think he's asleep."

"Good job," Sirius replied, gently lifting the baby out of Harry's arms and setting him back down into his cot. "Thanks for the help."

"Perseus isn't so bad when he's sleeping, is he?" said Harry.

"No, I guess he's not." Sirius pulled up the side of the crib so Perseus wouldn't fall out. "Even if he is a lot of work when he's awake."

"I-I'm sorry if I've been…more of a hindrance than a help," Harry found himself saying, his eyes on the floor, walking over to stand by Sirius.

Something flickered in Sirius's eyes, his brow knitted. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I haven't been helping with Perseus as much as I should have."

"We don't expect you to be his babysitter or anything," said Sirius. "You haven't been getting in the way of things at all, if that's what you thought—"

"What's 'things'?" Harry demanded, feeling angry again. "Whatever it is you two do with Perseus all day? Of course I'm not in the way, not if you don't feel like including me. You didn't even _notice_ how I stayed in my room all day—and you sit on the couch with Lucy and Perseus—but what about me? Am I even a _part_ of this household anymore?"

Sirius was frowning, looking down at Perseus, but Harry didn't think he was really looking at Perseus. Harry just stood there, fuming, until finally Sirius spoke.

"Why did you stay in your room all day?" he asked.

"Because…well, this isn't going to make any sense," Harry began, "but I was kind of hoping you'd try to make me come out."

"So you wanted attention, but you didn't want to ask for it." Sirius's arms were crossed on top of the side of the crib, his gray eyes facing forward. "Harry—why didn't you tell me about all of this before? If you felt left out, you could have just said something."

"I didn't—" Harry began indignantly, but then he stopped. "Okay, I guess I _did_ feel a bit left out. Like you three were the family, and I was some sort of unwanted guest."

Sirius looked as though he'd just been slapped in the face.

"Sorry," Harry mumbled.

"No, I'm sorry," said Sirius, and Harry was surprised to find himself wrapped in a tight hug. "I _never_ meant for you to feel that way. You mean the world to me—I thought you knew that."

"I thought Perseus meant the world to you," said Harry, although his voice was a bit muffled, and Sirius hugged him even tighter. When they finally separated, Harry's godfather had tears shining in his sunken eyes.

"Of course he does," said Sirius. "But don't you think there's enough of me to go around? For you, Lucy, and Perseus—the three people I love the most in the world?"

"Maybe," said Harry.

"Well, there is," said Sirius. "Perhaps sometime later this week, we can leave Perseus with Lucy's sister and just the three of us go out to dinner or something? I promise you'll have our full undivided attention."

"What about Lucy's diet?" Harry asked.

"I'm sure I can convince her to eat like a normal human for one day, at least," Sirius said. "She probably needs an evening out too."

"Honestly, though, I've never _met_ someone so hormonal," said Harry. "That must be annoying—how do you deal with someone like that?"

Sirius grinned. "Well, let's just say patience is a virtue."

"I guess." Harry shrugged.

"Now you get to bed," said Sirius, nudging Harry along. As they walked through the doorway, he added, "By the way…I didn't know you liked the Rolling Stones."

"What are you talking about?" said Harry. "I've never listened to them before in my life."

"Oh yes, you have," said Sirius. "You know that song you were humming to Perseus? 'Fool to Cry'? James used to sing that to you every night. It was sometimes the only thing that would get you to fall asleep."

"I thought I was just…humming." Harry felt a sort of lump in his throat. "I didn't know it was an actual song."

"Well, it is," Sirius replied. "I probably have the record somewhere. I can give it to you, if you want."

"Thanks," said Harry.

"And as for _you_ …" Sirius turned to face Harry. "Things are going to be different around here from now on, Prongslet. I promise you, you'll never feel left out again."

Harry smiled. "And I promise I'll help you and Lucy take care of Perseus."

"Deal," said Sirius, giving Harry another hug before sending him off to bed.


	4. Someone Lit a Fire in My Head

Full 3/4 1/2Expand TightenSirius Black didn't know what day it was, or even possibly what month it was (perhaps it was summertime), and he didn't care. All he knew was that he had gulped down too much water, which was bad, because the dementors had just finished their bimonthly cleanup in his cell, and he wasn't looking forward to the horrible smell that would inevitably return soon. He had been holding it for hours, but if he didn't take care of this soon, things were going to get messy.

Most of the time, Sirius didn't move from one corner of his cell, which resembled a cage more than anything else, but he slowly, tiredly got up and trudged towards one of the corners in the back. The corner that had _just_ been cleaned. This was a filthy place.

Then the sound of voices made Sirius freeze in his tracks. Sure, there were always voices, but these were different…They weren't muttering nonsense like the prisoners did…they sounded like people from _outside_. Ministry people!

Sirius wished then that he had peed out through the bars into the hallway, because even though that was against the rules (and a bit rude), it would have been worth it this time, as they'd be walking right past him soon.

"Here's where we keep our high-security prisoners," said Cornelius Fudge's voice, echoing off the walls. "We're coming up to the cell of the most guarded one of all—Sirius Black."

"What's he going to do to me?" quivered his companion.

"Oh, nothing, Robinson," said Fudge. "He's probably going to be like the others—you know, curled up in the fetal position, mumbling to himself, trapped in his own head…He probably won't even notice us. We'll walk past quickly so you don't have to see him."

Sirius scowled and turned into a dog, hiding out of sight. How very wrong they would be.

"I'm never going to come out here again," Robinson whimpered. "Those dementors, they give me the willies, they do—"

"Wotcher," said Sirius in a jaunty voice, appearing at his cell door, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Bloody hell!" Robinson clutched at his chest and grabbed onto Fudge's arm. "You—you damn near gave me a heart attack!"

"Oh, _I'm_ sorry," said Sirius innocently, grabbing the bars of his cell door as if itching to get out.

"Now-now see here, Black," said Fudge disconcertedly. "Robinson here's got a heart condition, you know, and we don't want to startle him, do we?"

"No, we _wouldn't_ want that, Robinson." Sirius locked eyes with Robinson and grinned wickedly. Robinson, he was pleased to see, was taking deep, calming breaths.

"All right, then, Black," said Fudge twitchily, "if that's all—"

"Blimey, I am about to burst," said Sirius, unzipping his pants and peeing on the floor like an animal as always, letting out a loud, half-exaggerated, half-genuine sigh of relief. "Anyway…what were you saying, Cornelius? And you, Robinson?"

"For crying out loud! Show some respect when you're talking to us!" said Robinson, horrified.

"I'm not about to wet myself just because _you're_ here," Sirius scoffed, meeting his eyes again. "Besides, why should I show respect for you, if you don't respect me?"

"Because you're a murderer! You killed thirteen people!"

"Robinson!" Fudge hissed, elbowing his colleague.

"Cornelius is right, Robinson," Sirius said smoothly, this time boring his eyes into Fudge's. "We wouldn't want to aggravate that heart condition, would we? Ahh…much better."

Sirius zipped up his pants again and flopped himself down in his usual corner, placing his arms behind his head and crossing one leg over the other.

"You lot are disgusting!" Robinson cried.

"Oh, yes, Robinson," said Sirius sarcastically, jiggling his foot slightly. "Because I'm sure that if _you_ lived here, they'd give you your own personal toilet, and your whole cage would smell like roses."

Robinson shuddered. Sirius had long ago gotten used to not having any privacy, but he figured Robinson would care a lot more than he did. Robinson conjured up a clothespin and clamped it over his nose.

"You haven't got another one of those, have you?" said Sirius, pointing.

"No, I haven't," said Robinson crossly.

"Well, then, what brings you to my home today, Minister and Robinson?" asked Sirius politely.

"We _were_ making a routine check on Azkaban," said Fudge uncomfortably, not meeting Sirius's eyes. "Robinson here is my witness. It's unpleasant, but I'm the Minister of Magic, so it's my duty."

"Oh, your _duty_ ," said Sirius mockingly. "I see. Are the dementors scary enough? Do you think when you're sleeping in your soft, cozy bed tonight, they will haunt you?"

"I will sleep fine, Black, as long as they keep us safe from You-Know-Who's old supporters." Fudge still wouldn't look Sirius in the eyes.

"You might not want to mention my master." Sirius gripped the bars of his cell door again. "It might provoke me."

"Minister, please, let's get out of here," whimpered Robinson, who had gone as white as a shroud.

"What's the matter, Robinson? Afraid of the big bad man in the cage?" Sirius jeered. Robinson looked mortified and Fudge looked disturbed, but Sirius was quite enjoying himself. He casually looked at his dirty fingernails and observed, "My, my, these are filthy…I must have them done soon."

"What sort of bloke gets manicures?!" Robinson cried hysterically.

"I'm not going to get them _painted_ , silly," said Sirius, as if this was obvious. "Or maybe I will…How about a nice shade of BLACK?!"

Sirius faked a mad laugh and fell backwards onto the floor.

"They don't offer that service here," said Fudge, trying and failing to stay calm.

"Then I must think of a different way to pass the time," Sirius told him forlornly. "Is that the Daily Prophet you have there? Have you finished with it?"

"Why?" said Fudge warily.

"I miss doing the crossword, you know," Sirius said casually, reaching his arm out between the bars for the paper, accidentally-on-purpose bumping Robinson with his hand. Robinson squealed with fright.

"Here you are, Black." Fudge handed it over nervously. "I'm through with it."

"Thank you," Sirius replied calmly. "You all may go now…Thanks for dropping by."

Robinson didn't need telling twice. He grabbed Fudge's arm and they left. Sirius grinned, knowing how much he had scared them.

But it didn't last long. The two Ministry officials' footsteps were soon gone, and then the only thing Sirius heard, again, was the rattling breath of the dementors and the senseless cries of his fellow prisoners. Sirius did what he always did when he felt depressing feelings sinking in—he turned into Padfoot and started to read the front page of the paper, trying to ignore the fact that the puddle of urine next to him now smelled six times stronger. Sometimes he wished he could turn into something that had no sense of smell at all, like a flobberworm. Or _could_ flobberworms smell? Sirius couldn't remember, and he didn't know why he was even thinking about it.

Of course, there was something about a Ministry official on the front page…It was always something about the Ministry! Couldn't anyone see that their skulls were all full of dead insects? Sirius felt like mauling someone, possibly Barty Crouch Sr., who had put him here in the first place. Or maybe Peter, who had framed him and was also the reason why he was here…

Peter! Sirius felt so much whenever he thought of Peter, and that was why he tried not to think about him…After twelve years here he had become mostly numb. But every time something reminded him of what had happened that November day, it was as if a wound that was scabbing over had been opened up again, and salt was being rubbed in, stinging, burning…Sirius felt like it was a wound that would never heal. He went to turn into Padfoot until he realized he was already Padfoot. He could hear himself whining, the way dogs do when they see their families leave the house.

And that was when he saw it.

Sirius quickly transformed into a human again and felt all his senses of hearing and smell dull—but his vision was now enhanced. He looked closer at the front-page picture and…there! It _couldn't_ be…and yet it was unmistakable. Even one of the rat's front toes was missing. The markings were all the same. It could only be one rat—someone who wasn't a rat at all.

It made sense, though. Peter would want to move in with a Wizarding family, because then he could keep up on the news. If he got even one hint that Voldemort was gaining power, of course he would make his move.

Sirius kept reading the article, clutching it tighter and tighter in his now-human hands. Five of those children currently attended Hogwarts?! But wait…wasn't Harry at school now? He had to be! And if this boy brought his rat to school, which surely he would, there would be a Death Eater at school. If Peter was willing to betray James and Lily for Voldemort, he would be just fine with harming Harry too.

 _Peter has already gotten James and Lily_ , Sirius thought. _But he's not going to get Harry_. _He is going to die_ — _for real this time_.

And that was when everything changed. Sirius Black was no longer numb; he was full of fire, he was going to escape, and he was going to save Harry and avenge his old friends.

-the end-


End file.
